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Which “Marriage” do Gays Want?

June 28, 2013

Marriage was in the news this week.  The Supreme Court handed down rulings on both the Federal Defense of Marriage Act and California’s Proposition 8.  I even attended a debate last night about marriage.  I think it is time to ask what gay people want.  People with alternative lifestyles want different things (1), and they don’t look like “marriage”.  That isn’t a surprise because the institution of marriage was not made for gay couples.  It wasn’t even made for straight couples.  This is what we observe.

The vast majority of homosexual marriages are between lesbian couples.  Based on their behavior, they prefer serial monogamous marriages.

The few gay men who get married choose to have an open marriage.

Bisexual men and women in a “marriage relationship” are rare.  We have a difficult time discussing a marriage between actively bisexual men and bisexual women since it often involves multiple partners.   The relationship is complicated, and it is not clear that each of the multiple partners in a bisexual relationship prefers the same form of relationship.  We don’t have enough data to show that bisexual men and bisexual women want the same form of marriage.

From there it gets complicated with male dominated polygynous relationships, female dominated polyandrous relationships, and multiple-partner same sex relationships.

It is an unsubstantiated claim that these forms of marriage won’t affect “straight marriage”.  As a trivial refutation, we see the competition for mates in polygamous societies drive down the age of first marriage.  Child brides join the harem.  That is what we observe.

Some gay activists say they want complete acceptance of their behavior no matter what they do and with whom they do it.  They claim that anything less than complete approval is hateful bigotry.  Hmm.  That too is a bold claim without evidence.

If you look at how they act, then most divorced straight couples want serial marriage as they marry and divorce.

Here is news for all of them from any category; the structural form of marriage we saw in western society was not formed for the benefit of adults.  It was fashioned to benefit children.  Societies tried other forms of marriage, but the societies who held life long married love as an ideal were the societies that thrived over time.  The structural form of marriage matters and those societies with life long married love did a superior job of raising the next generation.

No-fault divorce has been a disaster for children with more and more children coming from broken or unmarried relationships.  It turns out that your marriage does affect mine as government steps in when marriages fail!

This may come as a shock to our narcissistic generation, but marriage isn’t about you and what you want.  Marriage isn’t about me and what I want.  It is about children and what they need.

Get over it.

Rob the dad

Comment only if you actually read the article.

(1)  Yes, I know there are exceptions.  I’m describing the major behavior of a small sample over time.


5 Comments leave one →
  1. Neon permalink
    June 28, 2013 7:57 am



  2. June 28, 2013 11:22 am

    Trivial refutation: current law allows non-fertile couples to marry. Ergo, the LEGAL purpose of marriage is not limited to care of children.


  3. June 29, 2013 12:17 pm

    While some bisexual women prefer to have a partner of each sex, and others even state that this is an emotional or sexual need, there are many bisexual women who remain in long-term, monogamous relationships with a single partner. Those with long-term male partners are often mistaken for being heterosexual simply because they blend so well– often against their intentions– with heterosexual culture.


    • June 29, 2013 8:51 pm

      Nadia, I don’t see what you comment has to do with my post. Are you claiming there are more bisexual women than we commonly assume? One of the problems with “alternative lifestyles” is that we can’t properly define them. Are they defined by behavior or a feeling someone once had and didn’t act on. Neither definition is important for the point I made about marriage.


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